TIL How to have Unwavering Focus

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Tacos and Champurado

Did I spell Champurado, right? Looks like it..if not, comment the correct spelling! 🙂

From the creation of this blog (2014) to my last post March 2015), I grew a bit. This blog played a huge role in it. Because of this blog, I began a journey of self development and self awareness. While re-reading things I wrote over a year ago, some of these posts are incredibly raw, and from the heart. And I’m sure at the time, ALL of them seemed completely authentic to me.. However, knowing myself a bit better now and through all of the self development I have undergone in the past year, some of these posts weren’t in alignment to who I am, they were in alignment to who I wanted to please.

Will I take those posts down? No. I’m not going to take them down because I can’t change my past and I can’t erase it either.

Does that make me who I am? No. I am not the same person I was in 2014, and I’m not the same person I was a year ago.

SO. WHO AM I? Well, in the simplest terms; I am a child of God, I am a daughter to 2 parents whom I love with every bit in me, I am an Independent Business Owner, I am a Dancer, I am a girlfriend, and I am a human being.

Starting this blog, I was not spiritual. I had a lot of resentment with my parents, I was not a business owner. And I definitely did not have a boyfriend.  Still a dancer and human being, though.

But I think it’s safe to say I’ve changed A LOT. And so have my relationships.. Some people like it, and some people don’t and that’s okay. It’s not my purpose to please people and it’s not this blog’s purpose either.

So now you might be wondering why I named this blog post Tacos and Champurado.

Let me tell you why.

My dad just bought 3 tacos for himself and a cup of Champurado for me. That’s it. Just living in the moment.

This year, my biggest breakthrough was acceptance and unconditional love for my Daddy. I thank this year for being so hard because it only gives me motivation to create an amazing 2017.

I can’t wait to share new memories with you, All!

More to come,

Kat ❤

 

Short Post Before Class : Reflecting on “Open Letter to 1st Love”

Wow. I’m very glad I wrote the letter because it really helped me get over you. It sucks that we aren’t on good terms anymore. It doesn’t look like I’m on good terms with your girlfriend either and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay friends with you both, but I’m not sorry for writing that letter. That letter was for me to tell you all the things I can’t and won’t ever get to tell you. Why? Because not only did you move on, but I moved on. Yeah, it took me to be what seems like forever, but that’s because when I feel, I feel with every bit in me. So hopefully if one of you sees this, I hope you guys are really well. I’m being honest. I hope that you guys are happy and living the lives you deserve. You guys deserve happiness and I’ve come to realize I had to move on with my life and relationships/friendships because I can’t let you be in control of how I’m feeling. Honestly, I wish we were all on good terms, but to be realistic, that probably won’t ever happen because we all live separate lives and it’s not my duty to be in yours and vice versa.

I do miss talking to you guys sometimes, but as I’m growing older, I’m also developing new friendships and I’m not saying you guys are replaceable because you’re not, but the new people in my life are filling in your holes. I will always remember you both as the musicians that opened my eyes to life and growing up. Thank you guys I know you hate me but I still like you guys as individuals lol. : )

Open Letter to My Much Appreciated Allies

Allies: synonym for friends. However, ‘Appreciated Allies’ sounds better than ‘Appreciated Friends’.

ANYWAY. Hi! This letter is for my friends. I feel that I don’t show you as much appreciation as I should. First of all, I’m sorry for that. Second of all, I do appreciate you! I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me and all the things you would’ve done for me, but couldn’t.

I wanted to write you this letter mostly to thank you for everything, but also to tell you that some days, I tend to disappear. This is not because of you and it will never be because of you. In fact, I love you. (For those that I’m closer to: you know I don’t say those three powerful words much; so when I do say it, I mean it.) Well, to get to the point, I disappear because I need time to myself as much as I need air. I don’t know exactly why this is so, but it really isn’t you. It’s me. As cliché of a break up line that is, it’s my explanation. I love spending time with you and talking to you, but I can only do that for so long before I get tired. I don’t get tired of you; I just get tired. It’s as if I have a battery in me and if I don’t get time to myself, I die. Not literally. But I go missing without telling anyone and stay in my room. Stated thus, I don’t answer calls, I ignore texts, and I just don’t go out. In all honesty, I feel miserable if I don’t get time for myself; and, I’m not talking about a good five minutes or you do your thing and I’ll do my thing while still in the same room. No. I mean I need to spend at least a day to myself before I can spend time with you or talk to you for hours on end. I will never leave our friendship; I will never leave you when you need someone; I will always be here for you but I need to take care of myself before I can be there for you completely. Pardon my odd behavior, but this is just how I am. You’ve accepted me for every other flaw, and every other abnormality so I hope you accept this as well.

All of that being said, I appreciate your friendship dearly and I treasure it. I know I’ve lost touch with some friends because of my disappearing act, but I hope and pray to God that the close friends I have now will continue to be my friend and take me for as I am: reserved yet open; an awkward yet not painfully awkward; positive person.

To end this letter to my loved ones, (again) thank you, I appreciate you. I appreciate anyone who I have ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. This letter is meant for the close friends I have now, the friends I hardly ever see but still talk to somewhat regularly, the friends I never see but still consider my friend, the friends I don’t even talk to amymore, and even the friends who aren’t my friends anymore. You’ve all created memories with me that I hope to always remember. Some of you have even been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Some of you taught me valuable lessons. Some of you showed me how to be a better friend. Some of you were just my friend to have a friend or another friend, and that’s totally fine with me. Then there are the few of you that do dumb things with me.
Except the bad ones, of course.

I love you all as individuals and I hope you know how much I appreciate you despite my vital vacation in the land of non existence.

-Kathryn Marie

The Wall

I’ve built walls around my heart ever since I could remember. When I was little, I was an odd, happy child. However, I never let myself feel anything toward anyone.

Having no emotion for anyone outside of my home made me awkward and honestly, I hardly had any friends in elementary school. I was so quiet and never knew what to say; it made me anxious just to even ask if I could play with the other kids. Some kids tried being my friend and I tried breaking my wall for them. I just couldn’t, though. I didn’t know how to.

Sixth grade came and I was just as awkward and quiet. However, I was beginning to see that my walls were destroying what I wanted. I wanted friends. Because I went to a performing arts middle school, it naturally opened me up to many new things. Little by little through out middle school, my walls were breaking. By eighth grade, I had no walls.

As I began high school, I feared I would rebuild those walls. I did everything I could not to. This resulted in joining the school’s dance guard. (Now, colorguard.) When I first joined, I was so quiet, I might as well have just used sign language. (I thought about it, but I didn’t.) Although I was very reserved, I had no intention of rebuilding any walls, so I was open to letting them in even though I didn’t know anyone at all. Because I did this, they became my second family. Never have I ever felt like I had been a part of something and let alone felt like I belonged there. They made me feel like no walls were ever going to be built again.

However, through out high school, many unexpected things happened in my family.

I started building walls again.

I built walls and let no one in. I didn’t let my friends in. I didn’t let my boyfriend at the time in. I didn’t let my teachers in. And worst of all, I didn’t even let my parents in.

I felt completely alone because I wanted it to be that way. On one hand, I felt so lonely and longed for someone to just understand everything I was going through. On the other hand, I was not willing to talk to anyone because of the fear of judgement.

Ultimately, the biggest wall and the most important person I avoided in my life was myself.

Wait, what? Yes. Yes, I said I built a wall to block myself out.

I built a wall to block the happy, open Kathryn out.

I completely lost that Kathryn and that was the biggest wall I have ever built. The Kathryn I used to know was gone and stopped trying to break down that wall long after the Kathryn on the other side of the oppressive wall took over.

I knew I wasn’t alone, but I felt completely alone because I felt hollow. It’s like there was no one inside me, just a soulless creature walking the earth.

I no longer built walls. I was the wall. I wasn’t a Kathryn on either side of that wall. I was the wall. I blocked myself from everything containing happiness.

To be completely honest, it wasn’t until this very moment that I decided to write this that I realized I was the wall.

No longer am I the wall, but today, I find myself building walls again.

I’m trying not to let these walls be too difficult to break. However, I know now that I need walls. I need walls to protect me from mean, intolerant people. However, I’m really trying not to build walls for those I know I can trust.

This is all a process. A wall-building/ wall-breaking process.

Open Letter to My First Love

Dear First Love,

Wow. I’ve got some guts doing this, but that’s because I’ve become a new person. Not completely, but different for the better.

Well, anyway. Here we go.

Duckie. Remember I used to call you that? You were my first love and I don’t think I’ll ever forget you because ’til this day, I still hold all of those memories- no matter how hard I try to forget them.

I’m writing you this letter and leaving it out in the open for anyone else who cares to read because I want to talk to you, but I know I shouldn’t. I’m not in love with you anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still hold a place in my heart.

When we broke up, I was devastated. I never knew how badly it felt to lose your first love. I moved onto another guy not because I was trying to get over you and he was the rebound, but because I was trying to get my own life back and I thought finding a life with someone else would help. It didn’t, though.

I’ve been over you for a while now, but those bittersweet memories still haunt me. When I wake up from dreaming about you, I cry sometimes because I feel like we were in love, but we were in love at the wrong time.

But then there’s also this doubt that I have because as soon as we broke up, you found someone else. There’s this doubt that you never loved me as much as I loved you because if you did, then why did you, literally, the next day go to another girl for comfort? You knew what would happen. You let it happen. So it happened.

This led me to hatred. No, not hatred toward you and definitely not toward her, but hatred toward myself. You made me think: ‘he was just with that depressed girl cause he felt sorry for her’ because you moved onto someone right away; you didn’t even wait a week; ‘love is just a game’ because we were such an unhealthy couple; in the end you won because you fell in love again, right away.

I respect your relationship with your current girlfriend and I would NEVER do anything to come between you guys, but I just have so many questions and so many letters I’ve written you to tell you how I feel because I never did get closure, but maybe this is the closure. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Duckie, please don’t get mad at me for writing this and making it an open letter. Please understand that this is not to humiliate you or put you down in anyway, this is for me.

Duckie, you were a wonderful first love and I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be my first love. We had so many fights and made up so many times, but we also had twice as many good moments. In a way, I love you. I just don’t love you that way anymore because there is no reason for me to anymore.

Duckie, please also understand how hard this was for me to write and post, but because my blog is raw and personal, you had to be apart of it because for two, almost three years, you were a huge part of my life.

I hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy in every way, Duckie. A lot of times when people aren’t together anymore they wish their ex the best but don’t mean it. I mean it. I mean it and I wish for everything to be good for you. I still pray for you and your family.

Duckie, if you read this, don’t try to talk to me because that’ll confuse me. Just take this and think what you think of it. If you ever find that you do love me again like you did at first, then maybe come back. But expect me to fight you and avoid you at all costs because I’m scared of falling in love again.

Sincerely,
Koala

Vibin’

It’s the 11th day of 2015. I haven’t posted anything until now because I wanted to get a vibe for the start of the year. The vibe is great.

2015 so far has been good. My dad is still sick and recently, my mom was in an accident and is shaken up, so it’s kind of hard at home because I feel like I’m the parent now. However, I don’t let that control how I feel. I can choose to be sad about what’s going on here at home, or I can choose to accept what’s going on and live my own life. I chose to be accepting and to live my own life.

A little by the end on 2014, I learned that no one has control of your feelings. Someone or something can make you feel bad, but it depends on how you take it and what you do about it that determines your happiness. It’s okay to be in the moment and be upset if the situation is upsetting, but you cannot let that dictate your entire life.

I know. It’s hard. It really is. I still struggle with this, but I’m getting better at knowing that I am in control of my feelings.

Well anyway, besides having trouble at home, we have also gotten closer. It’s hard sometimes but I try to think of how much I love my parents and how their imperfections make us Bundocs. Every family is different. I love my family.

Well, that’s home life.

Life at school begins again on Monday. I’m pretty excited. Over winter break, I was bored. I was given the option of starting on my next class while at home but I just wanted to take it easy and focus on helping my parents be okay. But yeah. I only have a few classes left and I’m so certain that I can finish before June (my graduation). I’m so excited for summer/fall semester, too! I haven’t chosen my classes yet but my major is Social and Behavioral Sciences. You have no idea how excited I am.

I’m finally going to drive! On Tuesday, I am taking my written test. So hopefully by my 19th birthday, I will be driving. (February 14th)

I applied to a few places but I have a good feeling about two of the places I applied to. One of them interviewed me right on the spot and the other one is a book store! Man, I honestly want both. Hopefully I’m fortunate enough to get one.

I’m volunteering for my old high school’s winterguard this semester. I’m really happy about this. I missed being a part of something and I love guard so this is just wonderful. The coach said that if I show up enough, she could even make me part of the staff! I would love to do this for a while because I’m going to stay in the valley anyway. So this all just works out!

So far, 2015 has been good to me. There were days where I was moody, but overall, I still smiled at the end of the day.